I regularly find myself questioning the logic of some of the things people do, and wondering…
Why would you do that?!
Purchase a bottle of strongly flavoured drink, such as Ribena or Coke, drink the contents and then REFILL THE SAME BOTTLE WITH PLAIN TEPID WATER?! Mmm, previous drink remnants.
Wear trainers with no socks on. Comfy…
Wear a hoodie with no in-between layer. What is that?!
Inform me patronisingly when telling me your email address that it is ALL LOWER CASE. You don’t deserve to have access to an email account. Go home. Nobody here wants to email you.
Wrench your handbrake upwards when you have finished parking so that it makes this horrendous laboured crunching sound. Every. Time. You. Park.
Act as if ‘hot dog stuffed crust pizza’ is a thing. It’s not a thing. Stuffed crust is a thing. It means ‘stuffed with cheese’. ‘Hot dog stuffed crust’ is not a thing. It’s nothing.
Sit with me in a restaurant, chatting incessantly at me whilst I am trying to focus on reading the menu, and then as soon as the waiter comes over and asks if we are ready to order, yell “YES, WE’RE READY! I’LL HAVE…..” I am not ready. I was never ready. And now I look like a douche as I desperately try to skim read the entirety of the menu whilst the waiter hovers awkwardly with his pen and notepad poised.
Oh, now everyone has ordered apart from me. Right. So I pick something I don’t particularly want because I am stressing THE FUCK OUT and everyone is waiting for me.
And when my food arrives, the panic and stress subsides as it gives way to a lurching sense of regret. You continue to talk at me at an alarming rate about absolutely nothing as I spend the entire meal wishing I had ordered something else and silently hating you for what you have done, tasting nothing but bitterness and resentment with every bite of my incorrectly chosen food, knowing that at the end of the meal, I will have to pay using money that could have been spent on something delicious that I actually wanted.
Use the word ‘shew’ as the past tense of ‘to show’. Oh, so you ‘shew’ that thing to that person, did you? No you didn’t. Because that’s nothing.
Not thank another driver when they let you go first. You’re WEL-COME.
Park like a jerk.
Go into Starbucks and ask for ‘just a normal coffee’ and then complain about the prices loudly. You are not welcome here. You are not one of us.
Leave festive window decals on display until like March. Your window decals are actively diminishing the magic of Christmas. You monster.
Create, purchase, or have any hand in anything to do with the concept of Salted Caramel. Step one: Take delicious caramel. Step two: Pour a bunch of salt into it because you’re a bad person and you want others to suffer.
Cough and sneeze your disgusting germs all up in my personal space. Go home and quarantine yourself until you are no longer a walking infection. What you are doing by ‘soldiering on’ is greatly increasing the likelihood of me having a really shit time for the next 1-2 weeks.
Go into an enclosed public place and make every other person there listen to episode after episode of Peppa Pig on maximum volume because you don’t want to spend any time with your child.
Tell strangers to smile in a patronising voice. If you get punched in the face, it is totally your own fault.
Force others to play a game of cards when they don’t want to.
Pause for a second when describing a person, then explain that you could ‘tell that the person was …foreign’. This conversation has to end right now. I’m shutting it down. You’ve already said too much.
See that a bottle of handwash or washing up liquid is nearing the last quarter of its contents and full on FREAK OUT and pour a pint of water in there in an attempt to dilute what is left and make it go further. This isn’t the wartime, Pam. And if it was, you’ve just ruined a quarter of a bottle of soap, rendering it completely useless and mildly infuriating to everyone that encounters it. Nice work.
Attempt to sell or serve something called ‘cheese scones’. Here’s the thing: Scones are sweet, they are served with jam and they belong to the ‘cake’ genre. The term ‘cheese scone’ is an oxymoron.
Force a crossword or Sudoku upon another living being for any reason at any time.
Invite someone to a job interview, hair salon, or your house and not offer them a caffeinated beverage.
Leave an ugly brown floral sofa or a gross old mattress outside your house because you don’t want it any more. That’s not how it works. If you leave a mattress outside your house, the mattress won’t just ‘be taken care of’ by some sort of naturally occurring process. You have to make the process occur. You have to actually arrange for the council to do a bulky waste collection on a certain day. And if it rains, the rain won’t fall around the mattress, it will full on fall ON the mattress. So the thing you have responsibility for disposing of is now soaking wet, stinky, disease ridden, full of mould spores, about six times heavier than it originally was due to all the rainwater, and probably home to a small family of rodents. And guess what- it’s not going to dispose of itself.
Make a phone call, wait until the other person answers, and then say ‘OH!!! Hello???!!!!’ as you are super surprised that suddenly someone is speaking to you. You literally JUST dialled their number. They didn’t sneak up on you in a darkened room. What did you expect to happen?
Pretend you are offering people a luxurious massage in your posh spa, charge them the same amount as a luxurious massage, then just heat up some stones and put them on the person’s back.
Reiki. Let’s not. Honestly, my chakras are fine. I like them all blocked up. I prefer it that way.
x Lucy x